Things to consider before entering a long distance relationship

Long Distance Relationships are not impossible but you have to be realistic and understand that they are a lot of hard work.  You need to both be willing to make the effort to keep the connection alive otherwise you will end up feeling that you are living separate lives, instead of the one you should be living together.  Here are a few things to consider before going down that road.

Are you a jealous person?  If you are the jealous type this may pose a problem.  The distance between you and your existing or potential partner means you can never be 100% sure of what they are doing or who they are with.  It all comes down to trust and if you know you are the jealous type then you may not be able to handle the paranoia that comes with a long distances relationships dooming separation.

Is the distance between you going to be on-going? You have to ask if the distance is for a short term or a long term.  If your partner is only going away for a certain amount of time to achieve a goal then this is one thing, but if it is a suspected lifestyle choice this is something you have to consider if you could live with.  If your relationship is all about phone calls, text messages, Skype, emails and Facebook instead of physical contact, is that something you really want for yourself or could handle for the long term? 

Savings and travel?  Ask yourself how much money you have and if your savings can withstand all these visits back and forth just to be able to see each other.  You cannot expect one person to be doing all the travelling.  You need to make the effort to fill in the distance between you, in order to keep the relationship alive. 

How busy are you? If you do not have much going on in your life besides your relationship with said person, this may not be a sensible option for you.  If you are busy in your everyday life and have hobbies to keep you occupied and prevent you from dwelling on the loneliness then a Long Distance Relationship will be easier for you to withstand.

Do you want the same things?  If you are going to take a chance on trusting someone with your heart, whether Long Distance or otherwise, it is important to know if you want the same things.  If compromising is on the horizon of major desires for life it is important you know about them before making this decision.  If you are fighting for different things or having to sacrifice what you want for your future just to be together, you have to ask yourself if this is worth it?

At the end of the day, you know what you can handle as a person.  If you are strong enough to handle all that comes with your partner being somewhere other than where you are, then there is no reason you shouldn’t give it a shot, particularly if your feelings for that person are worth pursuing or continuing.  Unfortunately whether there’s a million miles in between you and your partner or you live under the same roof, there are no guarantees when it comes to relationships.  It all comes down to taking a leap of faith and trusting that your feelings are matched by your partner and that you are compatible enough to last the distance.

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Tips to help with fears of abandonment

Identify your fear – It is easier to overcome an issue if you come to terms with it first.  Accept your fear and make efforts to conquer it.  Do not push it in the background and just accept that it’s the way you are meant to be.  Overcoming a fear can be a long process, but avoidance is never the answer and can prevent you from living a fulfilling life and opening up to love. 

Determine the source – fears such as this rarely come from nowhere.  Experiences in your life generally hold the key to why it is you fear abandonment.  Locating the source of your apprehension is the first step to tackling the problem and until this is done, you cannot conquer your fear. Often it is when you are most happy that your fear emerges to ruin what you have.

Deal with the past - Sometimes occurrences can be hard to remember due to your human defense of shutting experiences out to avoid pain of living with it.  Do not be ashamed to seek a therapists help to dig deeper into yourself to find the cause.  Let the events of your past go.  It is only then, that you will be able to open the doors to a fear free future.  Often our fears are what hold us back from what it is we want.  By fearing everyone will leave you, your distrust pushes them away. 

Don’t categorize people – If you have been hurt by someone do not automatically assume that everyone is going to hurt you. Allowing ourselves to over-generalize following the occurrence that has brought on our fear only prevents us from trusting another person.  Just because you have been cheated on by a man does not mean that all men can’t be trusted.  Just because someone you loved left you, doesn’t mean that everyone you love is going to leave you.  

Take things as they come – Enjoy each moment that is presented in your relationships.  Painful experiences are all par for the course but I strongly believe that people come into our lives for a reason no less significant than the reasons they leave.  If something bad happens, then believe there is a reason for it.  There is no point in worrying about something that may never come to pass.  If you fear the negatives all your life you will be blind to the positives. Do not allow yourself to avoid a committed relationship for fear it will not last.

DON’Ts when dealing with heartache

Your life revolved around another person and now they’re not there. This leaves you feeling uncomfortable in your own skin and lost in your own everyday life. You feel like you will never get to the other side of the excruciation invading you. Everybody deals with heartbreak differently. But here are a few DON’Ts that you should keep in mind.

1. DON’T ignore your pain. Ignoring your pain and pretending that everything is fine and dandy can be worse than expressing yourself during this time. Let yourself feel the upset and don’t be ashamed of your hurting. Express yourself with those who are surrounding you with nothing but support to offer. Even the tamest of break-ups can leave a sting in your heart.

2. DON’T become revengeful. It’s okay to be angry. But putting that anger into an act of revenge is not going to help anyone or change what has happened. Nor will it help you move on with your life.

3. DON’T let bitterness consume you. Do not let a broken heart lead you into a life of bitterness where you no longer believe in the everlasting love that you deserve. You will only be holding yourself back from the best that life has to offer.

4. DON’T feel the need to prove your worth. So your ex did not see the fabulousness of you as a person. This does not mean that you have to change in order to be able to impress someone else. Do not waste time changing to a form of yourself to meet your ex’s expectations. If they cannot see you for the amazing person you are, do not waste time trying to highlight your strengths in order to keep yourself in their life.

5. DON’T make drastic decisions. You are not thinking clearly during the initial stages of a break-up. Do not allow yourself to make drastic or irreversible decisions. Tattoos or pixie haircuts are not a wise choice when you are feeling the way you are. Give yourself time to heal before making these kinds of decisions.

6. DON’T romanticize. Daydreaming about ways your ex will try and win you back or fight to keep you in their lives is only a means for pain. Think of the pain that their breakup has caused you. Having them back in your life with the power to be able to put you in that position again is not something you should be hoping for. Rather, invest in yourself and know that you deserve better then the black hole of agony their rejection brought to your life.

7. DON’T rush into the arms of a replacement. Using another relationship as a band-aid to your pain is a pitiable move. This will only be a temporary fix and will ultimately end badly. You are not only denying yourself a necessary factor of the healing process, but hurting another person with your selfish attempt to avoid feeling a pain crucial in order to let the past go and move on.

As hard as it is to believe it right now, there is a reason for everything, which means that there is a reason for this as well. You never know what tomorrow might bring. Take each day as it comes. Be open to new beginnings and embrace life’s little mysteries. Don’t give up on hope for the life that you feel you deserve.  A failed relationship does not define you. The best is yet to come.  It's time to say goodbye to the past, so you can be open to the future.

Little Ideas for men on Valentine’s Day

These tips may seem small, but it’s the small things that show you have put thought into making Valentine’s Day as special as it can possibly be.  Putting effort into making this day one for her to remember (even if deep down you think it is a commercialised day with no meaning), will show her that you care and have no problems with showing it.

It’s all in the words – Nothing means more to a woman then knowing how much they mean to you.  Make or even purchase a Valentine’s Day card and express how you feel with the most powerful thing there is, WORDS :)

Petal Creativity – There are many uses for rose petals and each is just as romantic as the last.  Use rose petals to sprinkle over your bed or lead a path to a table set up for a romantic dinner.  Another idea is to sprinkle them in a bubble bath for two.

Light it up – Candles of any sort are in themselves very romantic. The more the merrier, to make a serious impression.  This can be done cheaply by getting a bulk pack of tea light candles.  Be careful to place them in positions that will avoid wax dripping on inappropriate places.  You want a spectacular view, but you don’t want to require a fire extinguisher or spoil the mood by wax burns.

Raise your glass to love – Make her a cocktail that she will never forget the taste of.  Do not forget that presentation is the key.  Use strawberries on the side of the cocktail glass or buy miniature umbrellas.  Here are a few cocktail ideas especially for Valentine’s Day at http://www.bettyconfidential.com/ar/ld/a/9-tasty-valentines-day-cocktails.html

Hands on – invest in a warming massage oil and show your appreciation for her body, paying close attention.  It is a guaranteed way for returned pleasure and will open up the pleasure doors for both of you as a couple.

Corny Love – Take her to the type of movie you usually cringe over and do it with a smile on your face.  Refrain from laughing and just let her enjoy the romance of the pleasures that only comes from the equivalent of a Nicholas Sparks movie/novel.

6 Don’ts in new relationships

New relationships can be among the most exciting times of your life.  Embracing the excitement of getting to know someone and all the nervous tingles that come along with it. Unfortunately with the initial uncertainty involved during this time, they can also be a matter of delicacy and can end up faltering due to bad treatment.  Here are a few mistakes commonly made in the beginnings of a connection.  These don'ts will be useful to those who are trying to create something meaningful and long lasting.

Don’t allow sex to take #1 Priority – Although physical attraction in the initial stages of a new relationship is inevitable, many make the mistake of prioritising the sex above spending time getting to know the person they are beginning the relationship with.  This leads to making your partner feel like they are only a source of fulfilling your sexual needs. 

Don’t act cold - Not offering any affection at all will also lead your partner to think that there is no passion between the two of you.  It is important to find a medium that will leave your partner feeling secure within your relationship.  One too many “I’m not in the mood”s or other common excuses will end up making him/her suspicious and in the end, lose interest in trying all together.

Don’t bring in the family to soon – Introducing your partner to your family to early can not only be misconstrued by your partner, but can also bring unnecessary discomfort to both your partner and family if things do not work out.  In the early stages of a relationship there is no guarantee that the spark will continue beyond the first 3 – 6 Months.  Allowing your partner to become attached to your family and then coming to the realisation that you do not want to continue with the relationship is a situation that can be avoided if you had waited long enough to discover what you meant to each other before bringing in the family.

Don’t be fake – Do not act in a way as such that you think she/he wants you to in order to get into her heart.  It is important that you do not hide aspects of yourself because in the end, the secret will be out and your partner will either love you in spite of your bad habits or they won’t.  Either way, it is better to find this out early on.  You want your partner to love you for who you are, not for who you think they want you to be and if they don’t they are obviously not the right person for you.

Don’t dwell – Do not dwell on those little things that do not work out according to plan.  He/she’s not spending enough time with you? Do not spend excessive time dwelling on little issues, particularly if your partner is unaware of the heartache caused.  This will only end up making you resent your partner and sometimes there is no going back once you have reached that point.

Don’t bottle things up – 100% honesty is the only way to go in to a relationship and the most important policy to follow during it.  There is no point in tip toeing around resulting in unhappiness and not getting what you want.  The only way to have your needs met is to have your partner aware of what they are.  And if they are difficult to meet, then that’s when the doors to compromise are open.  Either way 100% honesty in your communication with one another is a necessity to a healthy and happy relationship.  Our partners may be able to see that we are upset, but they cannot read our minds.  It is up to us to let them know what is causing us upset or worry.

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Common signs of a cheating spouse

It is not always as obvious as finding lipstick on their collar or finding random underwear that doesn’t belong to you.  But more often than not, the signs of someone’s infidelity are there.  Here are a few signs that you might be missing.  With this being said, do not automatically assume that your partner is guilty of betrayal just because you are experiencing one of these points.  Generally there will be more than one sign of your partner’s unfaithfulness.

Sex? No thanks – If you and your partner have never had issues in the bedroom and he/she suddenly cannot be seduced, it can be a sure fire sign that they are getting it elsewhere.  Sexual appetite rarely changes overnight.  And if it does, there’s always a reason for it. 

Body Image Issues – If your partner is suddenly worried about their physical appearance when they were generally unbothered, but you now see them trading in the couch for getting friendly with a stair master, you might concern yourself with why they suddenly care about something that they have never worried about before.  One must ask, they know you love them for the way they are, so why the need for a tight ass or chizzled abs now?

Never wanting to spend time together – You once wanted to spend every second together sharing in mindless conversation and makeout sessions that could last hours at a time.  It didn’t matter what you were doing ranging from doing the dishes together to just watching TV, as long as you were doing it together and now they are avoiding spending time with you and prefers to be by themselves.  Or when they do want to be with you, it’s in a place that others will be.  This can be seen as cause for concern. 

“Overtime” – your partner all of a sudden becomes the most hardworking employee when they have always had the attitude of “9 -5 that’s me, I’m done.” This doesn’t automatically mean that your partner is cheating on you, but if they seem to be the only one putting in the hard yards without the knowledge of their co-workers, then there maybe something more to it.

Disappearing act – If you wake up at all hours of the night to find that your partner is not there in the bed beside you and hasn’t let you know where they are going or just generally acting weird or nervous then you will start to wonder why they are no longer being themselves around you and questioning what it is they have to hide.

Contraceptive Change – If you and your partner haven’t used contraception for years and all of a sudden condoms are being urged to be used or your partner has never used the pill and now you can find them religiously taken it the same hour of each day even though you have had a vasectomy…. Yeah things do not look good.  

Overprotection of phone – If your partner no longer lets you surf the net on his phone when he has never had a problem with, then there is a good chance that he is hiding something.

Always remember that there is no excuse for infidelity and that it is an unforgivable act.  If you would like to know the reasoning for this statement you can see my blog Once a cheater always a cheater.

Stress Management Tips

It is easy to get snowed under in the workplaces of today.  Expectations of us become higher and wages fail to increase to match the workload.  This can cause a tremendous amount of stress, particularly if it is already in your nature to do so.  However if you are in a job where you feel you don’t get paid enough to stress over your workload or not being able to live up to what is expected of you, chose not to stress by following these simple tips.

Change your response – You can choose not to let the office know-it-alls get you down and pressure you with jobs that they are no doubt capable of doing themselves.  If it is less important than tasks already on your to do list, then inform them that they will have to wait or alternatively if it is that important they will have to take care of it for themselves.

Prioritise – The ability to determine what is urgent and what can wait is of most importance.  Learn to prioritise and accept that you are only human and there are only so many hours in a day.  Start each day with the most important and work up to those tasks that aren’t so essential.

Don’t be afraid to say no – If your in tray is already piling up in the direction of the ceiling and you cannot possibly take on anymore, do not be afraid to say no.  If this is looked down on in your workplace, try seeking help from others in the office that are not so busy.

Find light in every situation – Find a reason to laugh every day.  If you find yourself starting to stress take a step back and do something for 5mins that is bound to perk you up.  Do not allow yourself to reach boiling point.  This will minimise the effects of stress and hopefully help you avoid it entirely.

Plan Things to look forward too – Having something in the near future to look forward too can often relieve the effects of stress.  If you know that you have a reward coming, the never-ending workload seems easier to bear.

At the end of the day, nothing is worth the stress.  You have it in your power to avoid letting things make you stressed out. Take each day as it comes and do not force yourself to do any more then you can comfortably handle.