DON’Ts when dealing with heartache

Your life revolved around another person and now they’re not there. This leaves you feeling uncomfortable in your own skin and lost in your own everyday life. You feel like you will never get to the other side of the excruciation invading you. Everybody deals with heartbreak differently. But here are a few DON’Ts that you should keep in mind.

1. DON’T ignore your pain. Ignoring your pain and pretending that everything is fine and dandy can be worse than expressing yourself during this time. Let yourself feel the upset and don’t be ashamed of your hurting. Express yourself with those who are surrounding you with nothing but support to offer. Even the tamest of break-ups can leave a sting in your heart.

2. DON’T become revengeful. It’s okay to be angry. But putting that anger into an act of revenge is not going to help anyone or change what has happened. Nor will it help you move on with your life.

3. DON’T let bitterness consume you. Do not let a broken heart lead you into a life of bitterness where you no longer believe in the everlasting love that you deserve. You will only be holding yourself back from the best that life has to offer.

4. DON’T feel the need to prove your worth. So your ex did not see the fabulousness of you as a person. This does not mean that you have to change in order to be able to impress someone else. Do not waste time changing to a form of yourself to meet your ex’s expectations. If they cannot see you for the amazing person you are, do not waste time trying to highlight your strengths in order to keep yourself in their life.

5. DON’T make drastic decisions. You are not thinking clearly during the initial stages of a break-up. Do not allow yourself to make drastic or irreversible decisions. Tattoos or pixie haircuts are not a wise choice when you are feeling the way you are. Give yourself time to heal before making these kinds of decisions.

6. DON’T romanticize. Daydreaming about ways your ex will try and win you back or fight to keep you in their lives is only a means for pain. Think of the pain that their breakup has caused you. Having them back in your life with the power to be able to put you in that position again is not something you should be hoping for. Rather, invest in yourself and know that you deserve better then the black hole of agony their rejection brought to your life.

7. DON’T rush into the arms of a replacement. Using another relationship as a band-aid to your pain is a pitiable move. This will only be a temporary fix and will ultimately end badly. You are not only denying yourself a necessary factor of the healing process, but hurting another person with your selfish attempt to avoid feeling a pain crucial in order to let the past go and move on.

As hard as it is to believe it right now, there is a reason for everything, which means that there is a reason for this as well. You never know what tomorrow might bring. Take each day as it comes. Be open to new beginnings and embrace life’s little mysteries. Don’t give up on hope for the life that you feel you deserve.  A failed relationship does not define you. The best is yet to come.  It's time to say goodbye to the past, so you can be open to the future.

Tips to help you move on after a break-up

Breaking up with someone, or having being left by someone can bring on so many different emotions.  Not all of them are engaging.  There are a few things to bear in mind throughout these complicated times that will make it easier to accept realities and have you heading in the right direction towards something brand new.  If a relationship doesn’t work out for you, then there is typically a reason for this.  Be honest with yourself and allow yourself to discover what these reasons are.  Do not throw in the towel surrendering to an illusive idea that you were meant to end up alone.  Things may get worse before they get better, but they will work out in the end.

Time out - Take some time to yourself to reflect on your current circumstances.  Whether you were the person to end the relationship or not, it is a good idea to take the time to mirror what has happened.  Let out any residual feelings of anger, sadness or resentment.  Take some time for yourself and do not be afraid to cry and/or feel sorry for yourself.  Do not force yourself to be over an ended relationship whether it was by you own choosing or not.  Cutting the cord does not mean that it is any less painful or difficult to accept the reasons of your decision.  Take the time to spotlight what went wrong and what it is that you seek in any future relationships. 

Take it a day at a time - The longer you are with someone, the more intense your feelings for each other become.  You become a part of each other and finding yourself separate from them can be quiet difficult to re-adapt too.  It can leave you feeling like your world no longer makes sense.  This can take time to feel normal again and re-discover who you are without that person by your side.  Do not put unrealistic expectations and time limits on your healing.  There is no rush.  Take each day as it comes and with time, each day will become that little bit easier than the one before it.

No regrets - Regretting events of the past is pointless.  What’s done is done and you have to open your eyes to the possibilities of your future.  It will not bring any benefit to your life to stew on regrets and will only leave you viewing things negatively, keeping you in that place of unhappiness.  Keep positive thoughts and leave bitterness behind and make the most of all those things in your life that you cherish.

Don’t fear moving on - Just because a relationship did not work out does not mean that you have failed.  Do not be afraid to go down that road again.  New relationships can be scary and some people put up walls to protect themselves, but if you don’t let the bricks fall down and allow someone in to really get to know you, then you will never experience the excitement that comes along with meeting someone new. Not everyone you meet thinks like the exes of your past, which means it doesn't necessary imply your past experiences will repeat themselves.

Talk it out - In a break-up, particularly a regretful or unwanted one, emotional support is an important part of moving forward.  After the initial time out from it all, talk it out with your friends and family. Keep busy and avoid being in situations that give you too much time to think about what has happened.  This will only make you relive the occurrence over and over again.  Instead surround yourself with people who will refuse to let you see anything other than the reasons it did not work.

Trust you made the right decision (if you opted out) - If you have made the decision to walk away from your partner there is every chance that you have come to that conclusion for a reason.  Whether it was a rash decision or one that you had been thinking about for a while. Perhaps you were feeling like you deserve better, were over the lies, feel out of love with that person, distance was too much to bear, or just merely that you and your partner wanted different things in life and you didn't want to give up your dreams and sacrifice what you wanted for the sake of someone else.  Break-ups happen for many different reasons and at the end of the day, the cause is rarely unfounded. Do not let your ex make you feel guilty or question what you want.  Everybody deserves to live life the way they choose, not the way someone else wants them too.  It is your life and your heart and if you are not happy with who you are with, then what is the point?

It is not the end of the world (if your partner opted out) - There is one reassuring way to look at a relationship that has ended without your control or approval.  You have to ask yourself, “Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?”  Everybody deserves to be with someone who couldn't imagine life without them by their side.  Do not grovel or over grieve for someone who does not feel this way about you. And perhaps most importantly, do not contact your ex.  This will only prevent you from taking the necessary steps to move on to the next chapter of your love life.  You may not see it yet, but something new and electrifying is on the next page waiting for you when you’re good and ready.

6 Signs your relationship is over

Do you find yourself in a relationship where you need to think of the good memories of the past in order to justify your relationship in the present? Or are you clinging on because of the uncertainty of what will happen next if you walk away? Maybe you’re afraid that you will end up alone as a consequence of your actions?

For all of us, the choice to leave someone is extremely difficult. Some of us are so hurt by the truths of our current situations that we begin living in a false reality just to make the relationship bearable to continue. This is anything but healthy and will not fix what is broken or lost. Ultimately breaking up is a part of growing up and helps us discover what it is that we want in a mature lifetime commitment. Having several different relationships is how we determine when we have found the right person. Sadly not everyone we date is going to be compatible with us long term. Here are a few signs that could indicate your relationship is not on the right track. Recognizing the signs could make your decision that little bit easier to bear.

1. The spark has burnt out – It is not a good sign when the butterflies disappear and you no longer feel the same way about each other. The spark is what differentiates you from merely being friends, as opposed to lovers. It holds the attraction you have for one another and once that attraction is gone there is no longer anything there that separates you from friends’ status. If your partner makes excuses not to be physical with you, or is only physical for his/her own needs and not the least bit concerned about what you want or need then the spark may have been lost. If a spark cannot be rekindled, then there is almost certainly a reason it is not meant to.
2. You start expecting each other to change – The point of a relationship is to enjoy the other person for who they are. If you find yourself wanting to change them, or alternatively if you find that your partner is trying to change you then odds are you really shouldn’t be together. We all have quirks that annoy others, but if they bother your partner so much that they feel the need to change you, then they do not love you as much as they should. This is often a realisation not long after the honeymoon period wears off. Remember that unconditional love is the only love worth fighting for.
3. When unhappiness overrides the pleasure – Undesirably sometimes a fading relationship can leave you feeling frustrated, upset and miserable more than feeling excited, contented and carefree. If there is more bad then good, then you are only dooming yourself to a life of unhappiness. Everybody has the right to unlimited supplies of the best life has to offer and if you are not experiencing this in your current relationship then you should perhaps find one where you can. Do not let your hope that this will change be the reason that you cling to what may never be there.
4. Emotional, physical and verbal pain – There is no explanation for abuse of any kind. When your partner crosses that line, there is undoubtedly something wrong in your relationship. If your partner has abused you in any way whether it be physical abuse, verbal abuse, or just emotional hurt, it is unmistakably time to walk away. There is no point being in a relationship that is a constant battle to you emotionally or physically.
5. Reoccurring issues – If you cannot spend time with your partner without either of you picking a fight or insulting one another then it is more than possible that neither of you have anything left to say to each other. If you have addressed the motive for your fighting and still continue to struggle about it then chances are it is just one of those things that cannot be compromised on. The reality is you deserve better then someone who is always making you feel like a failure and attacking you personally.
6. No time for each other – If your partner was once very attentive, putting you up on a pedestal and always making you number one on his/her list of priorities and has started making excuses for why they cannot spend time with you, it is most likely a sign that their heart is no longer in the relationship. If it appears that they have stopped making effort in your relationship, do yourself a favour and do the same. If you continue to make unreturned effort you will end up resenting the person for it and in the end you will burn out and stop caring yourself, being left wondering what it was you were fighting for in the first place. Save yourself some heartache. It takes two to make a relationship be successful and if only one party is doing all the hard yards, then it is not going to work. Both parties need to want to be together for a relationship to succeed and no matter how hard you try; you cannot make somebody want something that they don’t want. Besides, why would you want to waste your time with someone you have to convince to spend time with you?

If you are having doubts about your relationship then there are more than likely justified reasons for this. Do not waste their time or your own. Listen to your heart, be honest with yourself and do not stay in a relationship that is not right for you merely because of fear or avoidance of a difficult life altering decision. Seek advice but do not take others opinions on as your own, unless they are what you truly believe. Only you can know in your gut what the right decision is, and it is you who has to follow through with it.

6 things to remember after an unwanted break-up

There is never an easy way to except that something you invested all your time, energy, emotions and whole heart into is now over. Even worse then that you have now been left feeling that you are worthless and not worth fighting for. However, this could not be further from the truth. Although some things feel beyond your control right now, here are a few pointers to remember during the heartache.

1. Remember you did not fail – Often when a relationship ends the unwanted party feels as if they have failed. Remember that it takes two to make a relationship succeed and although your ex may have made you feel like you were the reason for the ended relationship, it is more likely that you were both on very different paths in life. Do not allow yourself to fall into depression and self hatred or take the blame upon yourself. Instead, take comfort that you tried your best to make things work. Often people completely change to suit their partner. Another thing to remember is that there is a big difference between compromise and loosing yourself. You should never change who you are for somebody you love. The right person for you will love you for exactly the person you are. If your partner feels the need to change you, then you are not the person they should be with.
2. It takes time – Do not force yourself to move on. You and you alone will know when you are ready to get back in the game. Do not be pushed into anything you do not want to do and avoid dating prematurely. Your feelings in a rebound relationship, will always be questioned by yourself. With this being said, some move on quicker than others and you are the only one who can decide for yourself if you have reached that point.
3. Avoid Break up Sex at all costs – It doesn’t matter how mature you think you are, sex between old partners is never just a physical act. Although it might feel like a good idea at the time, this is never a good idea. If anything it just takes you backwards and prevents you from moving on. As much as you tell yourself it does not mean anything to you, being connected in this way on some level keeps the relationship alive for you, when you should be in search of ways to leave it in the past.
4. Cut the ties - The most important thing to remember when breaking up is to cut the ties with your ex. Although this may seem like the hardest thing you can possibly do, in the end it will be the one thing you need to truly move on with your life. As tempting as it sounds to remain friends with someone who once meant everything to you, it is not realistic, at least not at first. If you did not want the break-up you will undoubtedly hold feelings of wanting to reunite and the reasons that your relationship did not work will be hidden from you. Even if you and your ex are mature enough to remain friends and on some level succeed in this, it is something that will not last if one party wants to reunite and will only cause more pain then there needs to be. What you need is to take a step back and take time to yourself. Once you can spend a whole day without thinking about your ex you will begin to see all the reasons you were not right for each other. If you don’t allow yourself to move on, you will find yourself focusing on the good things about your relationship, as appose to those things that divided the partnership to begin with.
5. Be hopeful of the future – Do not allow yourself to live in the past. The future is ahead of you and holds a chance for you to do things that you may have held off on to be with your ex. Focus on you. Find yourself again and have a little fun! Embrace hobbies you have never had the time for before and take those risks on life’s experiences that you have never had courage to try.
6. No regrets – Do not look at your ended relationship as time wasted. Instead look at it as an experience and learn from it. This experience can force you to discover what it is that you do want in a relationship and possibly even bring you additional wisdom during your next. Not everything lasts forever, but that doesn’t make it any less real.

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