Is it wise to stay friends after a break-up?

Whether a break-up is messy or not remaining friends after a failed relationship is hard.  Some may even deem the idea un-realistic.  It is easy to turn a friendship into love, but harder if not impossible to remain friends after a  relationship has come to an end.  Here are a few reasons that staying friends with an ex is nothing more than a bad idea.

Residual feelings – There are still residual feelings that prevent you from moving on as you should.  As long as you are interacting with your ex, you will hold on to these feelings and be preventing yourself from letting go and starting fresh.  A broken relationship is much like grieving; you have to let yourself go through the process or you will never come to terms with the loss. 

“It’s just sex” – Break up sex is practically unavoidable when two people remain friends after a relationship.  If you are both of a active healthy sexual appetite it will be hard for you to avoid your sexual urges.  And although the dumpee tells themselves that it’s just body parts, on a microscopic level, they are keeping the bond alive even if they do not want to admit it.  Being so close to your ex keeps the relationship alive.

You will not find mr/mrs right – In the end, all you are doing is opening yourself up to more pain and prolonging the hurt that comes with an ended relationship. There is a reason that you are no longer together.  Acceptance is the only way to put it in the past and having that constant reminder in your life of a failed love is damaging.  You will need that distance to find the right person for you.

Wishful thinking – If you were the dumpee you will always hold hope that your ex will change their mind about how they feel about your relationship.  The dumper is the one who initiates the “let’s be friends” idea, but will always keep the dumpee in the past.  Don’t waste time on someone who failed to see your potential and worth.   

I cannot tell you what is best for you or what you need during such a painful time.  And I am the first to admit how hard this advice is to follow.  But deep down I know it is best for me.  It just takes time to be open to letting go.  I can however tell you that I have wasted many years trying to prove to myself that keeping an ex in my life was possible.  Experience has proved me wrong.  Even if you can find that medium, once either of you find someone else the friendship becomes void.   So much time and effort wasted for something that can’t possibly last.

I will leave you with the words of Carrie Bradshaw: “The most important break-up rule.  No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends.”  Take as much time as you need to say goodbye to your past and greet your future with an enthusiastic hello.

6 things to remember after an unwanted break-up

There is never an easy way to except that something you invested all your time, energy, emotions and whole heart into is now over. Even worse then that you have now been left feeling that you are worthless and not worth fighting for. However, this could not be further from the truth. Although some things feel beyond your control right now, here are a few pointers to remember during the heartache.

1. Remember you did not fail – Often when a relationship ends the unwanted party feels as if they have failed. Remember that it takes two to make a relationship succeed and although your ex may have made you feel like you were the reason for the ended relationship, it is more likely that you were both on very different paths in life. Do not allow yourself to fall into depression and self hatred or take the blame upon yourself. Instead, take comfort that you tried your best to make things work. Often people completely change to suit their partner. Another thing to remember is that there is a big difference between compromise and loosing yourself. You should never change who you are for somebody you love. The right person for you will love you for exactly the person you are. If your partner feels the need to change you, then you are not the person they should be with.
2. It takes time – Do not force yourself to move on. You and you alone will know when you are ready to get back in the game. Do not be pushed into anything you do not want to do and avoid dating prematurely. Your feelings in a rebound relationship, will always be questioned by yourself. With this being said, some move on quicker than others and you are the only one who can decide for yourself if you have reached that point.
3. Avoid Break up Sex at all costs – It doesn’t matter how mature you think you are, sex between old partners is never just a physical act. Although it might feel like a good idea at the time, this is never a good idea. If anything it just takes you backwards and prevents you from moving on. As much as you tell yourself it does not mean anything to you, being connected in this way on some level keeps the relationship alive for you, when you should be in search of ways to leave it in the past.
4. Cut the ties - The most important thing to remember when breaking up is to cut the ties with your ex. Although this may seem like the hardest thing you can possibly do, in the end it will be the one thing you need to truly move on with your life. As tempting as it sounds to remain friends with someone who once meant everything to you, it is not realistic, at least not at first. If you did not want the break-up you will undoubtedly hold feelings of wanting to reunite and the reasons that your relationship did not work will be hidden from you. Even if you and your ex are mature enough to remain friends and on some level succeed in this, it is something that will not last if one party wants to reunite and will only cause more pain then there needs to be. What you need is to take a step back and take time to yourself. Once you can spend a whole day without thinking about your ex you will begin to see all the reasons you were not right for each other. If you don’t allow yourself to move on, you will find yourself focusing on the good things about your relationship, as appose to those things that divided the partnership to begin with.
5. Be hopeful of the future – Do not allow yourself to live in the past. The future is ahead of you and holds a chance for you to do things that you may have held off on to be with your ex. Focus on you. Find yourself again and have a little fun! Embrace hobbies you have never had the time for before and take those risks on life’s experiences that you have never had courage to try.
6. No regrets – Do not look at your ended relationship as time wasted. Instead look at it as an experience and learn from it. This experience can force you to discover what it is that you do want in a relationship and possibly even bring you additional wisdom during your next. Not everything lasts forever, but that doesn’t make it any less real.

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