10 Signs you are not over your ex

To everyone who has ever been heartbroken, it is a disappointment to know that there is no set time frame for when you no longer suffer these signs that are to follow. The fact of the matter is, love hurts.  When it comes to failed relationships there is no such thing as simple fixes to mend a broken heart. Many suppress the initial hurt to protect themselves from feeling the excruciation.  But when all inevitably slows down, there’s nowhere to hide.  Here are 10 signs that you are not over your ex.  There is no shame in this.  Hang in there.  Don’t let yourself give up on finding your smile again.

1. Everything still reminds you of them. 
You cannot get through a day without seeing, hearing, eating or smelling something that reminds you of that special dish your ex cooked, songs that you both listened to or sang, a scent they wore or places you went together. If you feel the need to change the radio station when particular songs come on or you avoid places that were regular hangouts for you, this is a real indication that you have not let go of your ex.

2. You think you see them everywhere.
No matter where you are or what you are doing you catch a glimpse of a reflective shirt, certain type of vehicle, or particular body build and all of a sudden you feel your heart pick up  pace and you feel weak in the knees. Then you realise… it’s not them at all. You feel relieved and disappointed in equal measure.

3. You don’t notice other people’s interest in you.
Someone new is trying to get close to you and you don’t even notice. All you can think about is your past. Your future feels like a black hole without your ex and blindly you shut out opportunities that are right in front of you.

4. You compare everyone to them.
You cannot meet someone of the opposite sex without comparing them to your ex. You spend more time picking out or noticing the similarities they have to your ex instead of noticing their individuality. No-one will ever be good enough if you measure them up against someone else.  Everyone deserves better then that.

5. You constantly cyber stalk them.
You have deleted them from Facebook for your own emotional stability, but that doesn’t stop you from checking their wall... even if it’s just to see their picture for the millionth time, because you can no longer access anything else.

6. You can’t part with gifts they gave you.
You find yourself holding on to the mementos from your relationship. You are just not ready to throw away the memories. Keeping these tokens keeps you connected to the person you have lost.

7. You fantasize about being reunited. 
You find yourself fantasizing about ways your ex would come back into your life to reunite what you had. Ways they would express their undying love for you and want to start all over again and spend the rest of their lives with you…..

8. You are still trying to figure out what went wrong. 
You still play over every conversation, action or hiccup that went down in your relationship, trying to find signs of where it went wrong and what you could have done to make your ex want to stay with you. Wondering if there was something you could have said to have guaranteed your connections survival, preventing you from this ultimate demise.

9. They still come up in most conversations. 
You cannot help but talk about them. “He/she used to do this”, “He/she would have loved this.” You speak of them as if they are still the most important person in your world.

10. You become the Green Eyed Monster. 
The thought of your ex meeting someone else breaks your heart and you harbour jealousy of all those people that still get to be in his/her life.

Is it wise to stay friends after a break-up?

Whether a break-up is messy or not remaining friends after a failed relationship is hard.  Some may even deem the idea un-realistic.  It is easy to turn a friendship into love, but harder if not impossible to remain friends after a  relationship has come to an end.  Here are a few reasons that staying friends with an ex is nothing more than a bad idea.

Residual feelings – There are still residual feelings that prevent you from moving on as you should.  As long as you are interacting with your ex, you will hold on to these feelings and be preventing yourself from letting go and starting fresh.  A broken relationship is much like grieving; you have to let yourself go through the process or you will never come to terms with the loss. 

“It’s just sex” – Break up sex is practically unavoidable when two people remain friends after a relationship.  If you are both of a active healthy sexual appetite it will be hard for you to avoid your sexual urges.  And although the dumpee tells themselves that it’s just body parts, on a microscopic level, they are keeping the bond alive even if they do not want to admit it.  Being so close to your ex keeps the relationship alive.

You will not find mr/mrs right – In the end, all you are doing is opening yourself up to more pain and prolonging the hurt that comes with an ended relationship. There is a reason that you are no longer together.  Acceptance is the only way to put it in the past and having that constant reminder in your life of a failed love is damaging.  You will need that distance to find the right person for you.

Wishful thinking – If you were the dumpee you will always hold hope that your ex will change their mind about how they feel about your relationship.  The dumper is the one who initiates the “let’s be friends” idea, but will always keep the dumpee in the past.  Don’t waste time on someone who failed to see your potential and worth.   

I cannot tell you what is best for you or what you need during such a painful time.  And I am the first to admit how hard this advice is to follow.  But deep down I know it is best for me.  It just takes time to be open to letting go.  I can however tell you that I have wasted many years trying to prove to myself that keeping an ex in my life was possible.  Experience has proved me wrong.  Even if you can find that medium, once either of you find someone else the friendship becomes void.   So much time and effort wasted for something that can’t possibly last.

I will leave you with the words of Carrie Bradshaw: “The most important break-up rule.  No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends.”  Take as much time as you need to say goodbye to your past and greet your future with an enthusiastic hello.

Tips for taking a break in a relationship

Many may consider taking a break from a relationship a major occurrence. But whether you need to take a step back to decide what you really want, open your partners’ eyes to a serious wrong doing or just to have some breathing space to focus on yourself, sometimes taking a break can be the right move for you. Occasionally in a relationship you discover things that you wish you hadn’t and are unsure whether you can forgive them. Other times you can feel neglected, disrespected or just trapped.  There are many reasons/situations that people choose to follow this road.  Taking a break can be an excellent way to assess your partnership and establish whether it is something you desire to persist in the future.

Taking a break could be the occurrence that your relationship requires to endure and can regularly bring you closer when the choice is made to reunite. Keep in mind that your partner may not react well to the suggestion of a break from each other. Your partner may get angry, upset or even give you the cold shoulder. There is no guarantee that they will want to talk about it or accept your decision. Here are a few tips to help you when considering to take a break in your relationship.

Discuss Why - Firstly, discuss with your partner why you feel that you need to do this. Breaks can often be seen as an end. Assure your partner that you have not made a decision yet and need this time to decide what it is you really want.

Set Ground Rules - Ground rules are important to any break within a relationship. If something occurs during this time that you are not accepting of, you cannot hold it against your partner if they did not know the guidelines of your break. In order for a break to work both parties must agree to the rules. I.e. Are you aloud to date other people? It is important to discuss what is and isn't acceptable during this time apart.

Decide Time Frame - When agreeing to a break, establish a time that you will regroup to discuss your decision. If you are not sure how long you will need, make an estimation and inform your partner that you may need more time than this.

Keep in Contact - Just because you are taking a break from each other does not mean that you cannot have any contact at all with your partner. It is important to keep the lines of communication open. Taking a break does not mean shutting each other out and/or ignoring your partner.

Expect the Unexpected - Even if it is you that initiates the break to begin with, it is important to remember that this time apart can also change how your partner feels and what your partner may want. A break goes both ways and either of you can end the break or the relationship at any time.

At the end of the day, it is you who has to decide what you want and if you can be open to second chances, trust and/or forgiveness. Seek advise so that you feel less alone, but do not take others opinions on as your own. You are the one who has to live with your decisions. It is your life and therefore you have to live with the consequences of your decision.  Be sure that the decision you make is of your own choosing.