Tips to help with insecurities

Often insecurities tend to stem from our own thoughts of imperfection, as oppose to any real reasoning from the people who are causing the insecurity. Here are a few things to remember before letting insecurities and jealousy get the better of you.

1. Believe in yourself. See the positives within the person you are. It is not about weighing a certain amount or being perfect in everything that you do. No one is perfect and it is unrealistic to put that burden upon yourself to live up too. Respect yourself and treat yourself with the same decency you would anyone else. Never let anyone else's opinion stop you from being the person you want to be.

2. Do not dwell on insecure thoughts. You do not have to give in to every little thought that pops into your mind. This leads to mental pictures that can leave you thinking the worse not only about yourself, but people close to you as well. Jealousy is the biggest result of over thinking those insecure thoughts that pop into our minds. Making up scenarios in your mind is the worst thing you can do. Talk to y our partner about how you are feeling. Even if they do not agree with you, they may be able to convince you that you are of the wrong thinking. No one is a mind reader. Stop the assumptions and base your feelings on what you know. Do not however let someone make you feel like you do not have the right to feel what you feel.

3. Embrace what is. No one can know what is just around the corner. There is no point in worrying about things you cannot control. Embrace what is and succumb to the excitement of the unknown. Spend less time dwelling on the negatives and have conviction in the presence of good. Stop obsessing about the future. What will be, will be and worrying about the future is a waste of liveliness.

4. Failure is a part of growth. Stop judging yourself for the mistakes that you have made along the way. No one is perfect and making mistakes is how we learn to become better people. Do not judge yourself by the amount of mistakes that you have made. You cannot have great success, without falling down a few times first. Every time you feel yourself judging the mistakes you have made, turn it around and focus on those things that you have accomplished with pride.

5. Choose the right company. Do not waste time with people who make you feel bad about yourself or what you want out of life. Their negative energy about what you want for yourself, will only make you look down on who you are. If someone does not appreciate you for who you are and not who they want you to be, then they are not worth your time… Or your tears.

6. Avoid Expectations. Avoid thinking there is a way a relationship should be and seeing negatives if it is not how you expect. There are no real rules to how a relationship is. At the end of the day, if you are happy within your relationship, then that is what counts. Not all couples act the same, so you should not expect that every relationship is the same. Let go of the need to control every little thing. This will only make you insecure about you and your partner’s connection.

7. Do not compare previous relationships to new ones. Many insecurities in relationships come from experiences of the past. Stop judging someone’s possible actions by something that your exes have done in the past. Do not allow your fear of being hurt ruin your relationship by making you expect the worse.

8. Trust your partner. Being in a relationship is taking a chance and believing that the person you are spending time with is genuine. Exercise giving the benefit of the doubt. Do not give in to insecure thoughts, unless there is legit evidence to believe them.

9. Be confident and affectionate. Show affection with your partner. The simple returned affection and response to this will make you reassured and confident within yourself, merely by knowing that your affection is mutual.

Tips to help you move on after a break-up

Breaking up with someone, or having being left by someone can bring on so many different emotions.  Not all of them are engaging.  There are a few things to bear in mind throughout these complicated times that will make it easier to accept realities and have you heading in the right direction towards something brand new.  If a relationship doesn’t work out for you, then there is typically a reason for this.  Be honest with yourself and allow yourself to discover what these reasons are.  Do not throw in the towel surrendering to an illusive idea that you were meant to end up alone.  Things may get worse before they get better, but they will work out in the end.

Time out - Take some time to yourself to reflect on your current circumstances.  Whether you were the person to end the relationship or not, it is a good idea to take the time to mirror what has happened.  Let out any residual feelings of anger, sadness or resentment.  Take some time for yourself and do not be afraid to cry and/or feel sorry for yourself.  Do not force yourself to be over an ended relationship whether it was by you own choosing or not.  Cutting the cord does not mean that it is any less painful or difficult to accept the reasons of your decision.  Take the time to spotlight what went wrong and what it is that you seek in any future relationships. 

Take it a day at a time - The longer you are with someone, the more intense your feelings for each other become.  You become a part of each other and finding yourself separate from them can be quiet difficult to re-adapt too.  It can leave you feeling like your world no longer makes sense.  This can take time to feel normal again and re-discover who you are without that person by your side.  Do not put unrealistic expectations and time limits on your healing.  There is no rush.  Take each day as it comes and with time, each day will become that little bit easier than the one before it.

No regrets - Regretting events of the past is pointless.  What’s done is done and you have to open your eyes to the possibilities of your future.  It will not bring any benefit to your life to stew on regrets and will only leave you viewing things negatively, keeping you in that place of unhappiness.  Keep positive thoughts and leave bitterness behind and make the most of all those things in your life that you cherish.

Don’t fear moving on - Just because a relationship did not work out does not mean that you have failed.  Do not be afraid to go down that road again.  New relationships can be scary and some people put up walls to protect themselves, but if you don’t let the bricks fall down and allow someone in to really get to know you, then you will never experience the excitement that comes along with meeting someone new. Not everyone you meet thinks like the exes of your past, which means it doesn't necessary imply your past experiences will repeat themselves.

Talk it out - In a break-up, particularly a regretful or unwanted one, emotional support is an important part of moving forward.  After the initial time out from it all, talk it out with your friends and family. Keep busy and avoid being in situations that give you too much time to think about what has happened.  This will only make you relive the occurrence over and over again.  Instead surround yourself with people who will refuse to let you see anything other than the reasons it did not work.

Trust you made the right decision (if you opted out) - If you have made the decision to walk away from your partner there is every chance that you have come to that conclusion for a reason.  Whether it was a rash decision or one that you had been thinking about for a while. Perhaps you were feeling like you deserve better, were over the lies, feel out of love with that person, distance was too much to bear, or just merely that you and your partner wanted different things in life and you didn't want to give up your dreams and sacrifice what you wanted for the sake of someone else.  Break-ups happen for many different reasons and at the end of the day, the cause is rarely unfounded. Do not let your ex make you feel guilty or question what you want.  Everybody deserves to live life the way they choose, not the way someone else wants them too.  It is your life and your heart and if you are not happy with who you are with, then what is the point?

It is not the end of the world (if your partner opted out) - There is one reassuring way to look at a relationship that has ended without your control or approval.  You have to ask yourself, “Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?”  Everybody deserves to be with someone who couldn't imagine life without them by their side.  Do not grovel or over grieve for someone who does not feel this way about you. And perhaps most importantly, do not contact your ex.  This will only prevent you from taking the necessary steps to move on to the next chapter of your love life.  You may not see it yet, but something new and electrifying is on the next page waiting for you when you’re good and ready.

Tips for taking a break in a relationship

Many may consider taking a break from a relationship a major occurrence. But whether you need to take a step back to decide what you really want, open your partners’ eyes to a serious wrong doing or just to have some breathing space to focus on yourself, sometimes taking a break can be the right move for you. Occasionally in a relationship you discover things that you wish you hadn’t and are unsure whether you can forgive them. Other times you can feel neglected, disrespected or just trapped.  There are many reasons/situations that people choose to follow this road.  Taking a break can be an excellent way to assess your partnership and establish whether it is something you desire to persist in the future.

Taking a break could be the occurrence that your relationship requires to endure and can regularly bring you closer when the choice is made to reunite. Keep in mind that your partner may not react well to the suggestion of a break from each other. Your partner may get angry, upset or even give you the cold shoulder. There is no guarantee that they will want to talk about it or accept your decision. Here are a few tips to help you when considering to take a break in your relationship.

Discuss Why - Firstly, discuss with your partner why you feel that you need to do this. Breaks can often be seen as an end. Assure your partner that you have not made a decision yet and need this time to decide what it is you really want.

Set Ground Rules - Ground rules are important to any break within a relationship. If something occurs during this time that you are not accepting of, you cannot hold it against your partner if they did not know the guidelines of your break. In order for a break to work both parties must agree to the rules. I.e. Are you aloud to date other people? It is important to discuss what is and isn't acceptable during this time apart.

Decide Time Frame - When agreeing to a break, establish a time that you will regroup to discuss your decision. If you are not sure how long you will need, make an estimation and inform your partner that you may need more time than this.

Keep in Contact - Just because you are taking a break from each other does not mean that you cannot have any contact at all with your partner. It is important to keep the lines of communication open. Taking a break does not mean shutting each other out and/or ignoring your partner.

Expect the Unexpected - Even if it is you that initiates the break to begin with, it is important to remember that this time apart can also change how your partner feels and what your partner may want. A break goes both ways and either of you can end the break or the relationship at any time.

At the end of the day, it is you who has to decide what you want and if you can be open to second chances, trust and/or forgiveness. Seek advise so that you feel less alone, but do not take others opinions on as your own. You are the one who has to live with your decisions. It is your life and therefore you have to live with the consequences of your decision.  Be sure that the decision you make is of your own choosing.

Building Trust in a Relationship

Trust or emotional safety in a relationship can often be a very difficult emotion to master, particularly for those who have been hurt and/or betrayed in previous relationships.  Time does not always heal wounds of our past.  Regardless, the fact of the matter is that trust is the basis of any relationship.  If you cannot trust someone you cannot have a healthy relationship with them, as these trust issues will end up destroying the relationship. It may not happen right away, though slowly but surely it will be what breaks you apart.  In order to be in a happy relationship you have to be willing to work on a mutual trust.  Here are a few pointers in building trust in your relationship for those of you who find that trust does not come naturally to you.

Be Honest – Number one rule in building trust in a relationship is merely to continuously be honest with your partner.  If your partner senses that you are being deceitful this will make it harder for them to trust you.  We do not always like what we hear but it will be a comfort to know that honesty is applied in every instance.  There is no room for secrets or lies in a healthy relationship.

Communication – Express your needs and feelings on situations with your partner.  If jealousy occurs let your partner know how it makes you feel.  They are then aware of your feelings and will take measures to let you know that there is nothing to worry about.  Give your partner a chance to set you straight and always be clear and completely honest about how you are feeling and listen carefully to their concerns in return.

Don’t hold your partner accountable for others actions – As much as you wish you could control every situation, it is unrealistic to believe this is possible.  Do not hold your partner accountable for others actions in any situation no matter how hurtful.  Your partner cannot change anyone’s feelings or events anymore then you yourself can.

Be reliable – In order for someone to surrender to trust they need to know that their partner is reliable.  If you say you are going to be somewhere, be there.  If you say you are going to do something for your partner, do it.  If you can rely on someone it makes it easier to trust them.

Don’t go to bed angry – Never let issues go unresolved.  If trust issues or jealousy occurs between you and your partner do not try and avoid the issues.  Although the conversation may not be desired it is mandatory to address them before they get even larger.  Resentment stems from feeling unheard or failing to deal with a problem.

Forget the past – Do not compare new relationships to the old ones.  Just because your previous partner may have hurt you, does not mean that your new one is even remotely capable of making the same mistakes.  Do not lay that burden on them; it is not their burden to bear. 

Remember nobody is perfect - Acknowledge that nobody is perfect and that happenings can often be different to how they appear.  Discover and compliment your partner’s qualities.  Belief in each other will facilitate trust building in any relationship.

Love is all about losing yourself in your feelings.  Take the leap and have faith that everything will work out the way it is meant too.  Building trust is not always easy and requires on-going work to keep it afloat, but it is important to remember there is no point in worrying about something that may never come to pass.  Live in the present and appreciate the happier moments of life. 

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